Ashley and I will be going back and forth, debating over a series of topics that brides often argue about (Cash Bar anyone?).  You’ll be able to read my half of the conversation here, and her half on Bride On A Budget. Don’t worry – we’ll be including links back and forth in each post so you can track the conversation and join in with your own views and opinions on the different issues as well!

So – this week we’re going to start off with a topic that comes up often with budget conscious brides: Alcohol!  Alcohol is one of the many things that can carve a dent in your wedding budget. Controlling alcohol costs brings up topics like limited bars, cash bars and dry receptions.  So here is my question for you Ashley – how did you control the alcohol costs at your wedding and how do you feel about the concept of a cash bar or a dry reception?

Visit Bride On A Budget and add her to your feed reader so you don’t miss her answer later this week:) I’ll be back with my side of the conversation after Ashley has her say.

Thinking of those people will never be sufficient. Adhering to wedding etiquette, you should appreciate your guests and show your appreciation through a material token.

That is where thank you notes come into the picture. Wedding experts and society or lifestyle gurus advise married couples to send out tokens of appreciation or simple thank you notes to their wedding guests at least two weeks after the event.

Thank you notes should or must be sent especially for those friends or guests who showed up with wedding gifts. Wedding etiquette will also have you send thank you notes to people who were not able to come to the wedding, but sent in their gifts, or even to people you have invited but did not show up at all and did not even bother to buy you any gift.

It is not against wedding etiquette to buy thank you note templates, but be sure to personalize it by adding your personal hand written notes of appreciation.

Writing The Thank You Notes

There are a few do’s and don’ts to help you write your wedding thank you notes.

Paper choice is important but not as strict as it once was.  Used to be the paper used for the notes was written on white or ivory-colored paper.  Today you have more choice and can use Thank You cards that match the rest of your wedding stationery. Some couple prefer to have their thank you notes monogrammed, but others feel its just okay if everything is handwritten. It’s completely up to you.
Quick Thank You Note Guidelines:

o  Remember to send Thank You notes to relatives and people who coordinated showers and parties for the both of you. It would be okay if you thank them for the efforts within the same card sent to them for their gifts.

o  Wedding etiquette suggests that you appreciate each gift you have received. That means each and every gift should be recognized through its own thank you note. Perhaps you can include a personal note about where you’ll display Aunt Kelly’s Fruit Bowl.

o  Make sure you send Thank You notes to people that sent gifts that arrived before the wedding.  You will get them out of the way and have less of a chance to forget sending out thank you notes for them.

o  It might be time and money saving, but it is not advisable to send out preprinted thank you notes. Sending preprinted cards will give the person receiving the thank you note the impression that his or her effort or gift was not totally appreciated. A personal handwritten note relays the depth of your appreciation of the gift.

o  Personalize your Thank You note by handwriting the message. Warm but short thank you notes are better than longer but non-personalized or insincere notes.

o  Write your thank you note message in blue or black ink. It is for the simple reason that the colors are far more readable.

o  It is “proper wedding etiquette” to include your new return address on every thank you note you have sent. The recipients will greatly appreciate the gesture if he or she is informed or posted of your new and correct address.

Sending Thank You note can be an easy process.  Just remember to include them on your wedding checklist – you have one, right?

- More time with each guest as they are not there all at once

- If you have a larger guest list, you can still fit them all in your house

If you are considering hosting a Open House, here are a few guidelines you can follow to make sure that all your guests have a pleasant experience.

1. Greet each guest personally and offer then refreshments and a seat. Make sure there is enough room in case a bunch show up at once. You do not want anyone feeling out of place.

2. Open gifts as they arrive and give a personal thanks. Then, place the gift with the card in a visible place so others can see what other guests brought.

3. Plan some games and regular bridal shower activities that guests can participate in when they come in.

4. Try to take a few minutes to talk one on one with each guest before they leave and when they do leave, make sure you say thank you and walk them out.

In the end – your goal is to provide just as nice of a time as they would have had at a more traditional shower. You want each guest to stay as long as they please – and never to feel rushed or out of place.

We are on a ‘tight budget. We are planning to be married at the Justice of the Peace; because we just had a baby (yes backwards!) and cannot afford a big or small wedding right now. I have 2 questions how do you ‘announce’ you’re getting married (at the JOP) without making the guests feel cheated or slighted and any ideas on how to have a reception later also without making the guests feel like they were cheated out of seeing us get married??!

ANSWER

After the wedding, send out annoucement cards. The cards, much like invitations should state:

If you already know when you are planning to have the reception:

_______ & _________

are pleased to announce the marriage of their daughter

______________________________

to

_______________________________

son of __________ & _________

The wedding took place on

_______________________________

You are invited to join us in celebrating this union with a reception in the new couples honor to be held:

___________________________________

Details will follow.

If you don’t know when you are planning to have the reception:

_______ & _________

are pleased to announce the marriage of their daughter

______________________________

to

_______________________________

son of __________ & _________

The wedding took place on

_______________________________

A reception in honor of this union is being planned. Invitations and details will follow shortly.

Now, that takes care of letting people know that you are married and that a reception is being planned. There will be some people who will wish they could have seen you exchange vows. What you can do is make that part of the reception. Not a full ceremony – but a short program during which you exchange vows and rings publicly, either on your own or with a officiant there. There is no legal need to do this, but in almost all cases, those who would have been offended will be happy with that.

If you want, you can also include that on the annoucement:

You are invited to join us in witnessing the exchange of vows and rings, followed by a reception in the new couples honor to be held:

or

A public exchange of vows and a reception in honor of this union is being planned. Invitations and details will follow shortly.

If you are having a pastor or preist there: use Public exchange of vows and blessing of the rings(union), etc.

One last note: the annoucement above was written as sent by the parents.

Here is the layout if you wanted to send it from your baby:

___________________________________

is pleased to announce the marriage of her mother

______________________________

daughter of

___________________ & ______________

to her father

___________________________________

son of

_________________ & _________________

If you want it sent by you:

_________________________________

daughter of

__________________&_____________________

and

______________________________________

son of

________________________ & ____________________

are please to announce their marriage, which took place:

- Many brides have a limited number of guests who can attend based on the number of guests who can be accomodated in their chosen location.

- With catering costs on the rise, every additional guest is an additional expense.

Here are some ideas that were shared among the girls:

Specific Reply Cards:

- This is also great if you need to do a seating arrangement and is probably the best option offered. This bride was having her wedding on a military base and was required to have a complete list of guests, including names, submitted 30 days in advance. To collect those names, and avoid uninvited guests, she filled out the number of guests invited, and allowed one space per guest for entering the names:

Number Of invited Guests: 2 Number Of Guests Attending: ___

Guest #1: ____________________________________________

Guest #2: ____________________________________________

- Fill out the cards in advance with the maximum number allowed. They will change it if less are coming, but are less likely to add more to the number.

- Make sure the invitation clearly states who is invited

- If a guest RSVP’s with extra guests on their list, call them and politely inquire as to who the extra guest is. Then, let them know that while you would love to have their guest attend, you have a limited space available and there are no extra seats at this time. Offer to contact them in another invited guest can not attend.

Remember: Ettiquette DOES NOT require you to allow your guests to add whom ever they wish to your guest list: especially at yoru expense. If your location and/or budget does not allow for extra guests, then some of these suggestions may help you to eliminate that problem.

Have some more ideas? We’d love to hear them. Click COMMENTS to share yours.

To gain perspective, first understand that “etiquette” is above all about treating people with courtesy and making them feel comfortable. When an etiquette question arises, consider the feelings of those who will be affected. To steer you through the fog of questions, I’ve compiled a quick look at the top five most common wedding etiquette dilemmas: Family Etiquette, Invitation Etiquette, Gift Etiquette, Attire Etiquette and The Cash Bar Issue.

Family Etiquette:

Introducing Your Parents –

If the bride and groom’s parents have not met prior to the engagement, tradition dictates that the groom’s family calls and introduces themselves to the bride’s family and arranges a meeting. If the groom’s parents do not make the first introduction, then the bride’s parents should. Nowadays, who makes the first call is irrelevant; all that really matters is that the parents meet. If meeting face to face is impossible, a letter or phone call will suffice.

Introducing Divorced Parents –

If the groom’s parents are divorced, the parent with the closest relationship to the groom should take the first step in meeting the bride’s parents. If both sets are divorced, the parent closest to the groom should first contact the bride’s suggested parent. If no one begins the introduction process, the couple should step in and ensure that everyone meets, while refraining from forcing potentially awkward situations.

Your In-Laws –

The groom’s parents often feel left out of the planning process. To avoid this, invite your future in-laws into the initial dialogue. You should immediately inform them of your ideas regarding location, date, size and style of the wedding. Take queues on their desired level of involvement and include them accordingly. Let them make offers to pitch in with finances or planning. Above all, keep them informed throughout your engagement.

Invitation Etiquette:

Inviting partners and guests –

If an invited guest is married, engaged or living with a significant other, that partner must be included in the invitation. A single invitation addressed to both individuals should be sent to spouses or couples who live together, while separate invitations should be sent to each member of an engaged or long term couple who don’t live together. Inviting single guests with a date is a thoughtful gesture, but one that is not required. If you are inviting a single guest with a date, try to find out the name of your friend’s intended date and include that person’s name on the invitation. Otherwise, inner envelopes may include “And Guest,” indicating that he or she may bring any chosen escort or friend.

Guests Who Ask to Bring a Guest -

Your guests should know better! It is never appropriate for a guest to ask to bring a date, and you have every right to politely say no. However, if you discover that a guest is engaged or living with a significant other, you should extend a written or verbal invitation.

Invitations to out-of-town guests –

Many brides ponder whether or not it’s appropriate to invite long distance guests for whom it may be impossible to attend. Use your best judgment. Is this person truly a close friend who would want to attend your celebration? If so, failing to extend an invitation may be insulting. Remember, these days friends and family are often spread all over the country, and people are accustomed to traveling. On the other hand, if you haven’t spoken in years, an invitation may look like no more than a request for a gift. In those cases, send a wedding announcement instead, which carries no gift-giving obligation.

Gift-giving Etiquette:

Yes, we all love to receive gifts, and weddings are a perfect occasion for gift-giving. Friends and loved ones customarily honor the commitment of the newly betrothed by showering them with gifts. As the happy couple, just remember to always feel privileged—not entitled. So, let’s review a bit of etiquette as it relates to wedding gifts…

1) Never mention gifts (gift choices or gift registry) on the invitation.

2) Publicize your registry information by word of mouth. It’s also acceptable to include it on a wedding website or shower invitation (since showers are not typically hosted by the bride or groom)

3) There is no polite way to ask for cash gifts. This can only be done through word of mouth.

4) Honeymoon registries are appropriate.

5) Do not use any gifts until after a wedding.

6) All gifts, even shower gifts, must be returned if the wedding is cancelled or annulled before living together as a married couple.

7) Gift giving for vow renewal, reaffirmation ceremonies or encore weddings is not mandatory, but is a nice gesture.

There is no special formula for determining the appropriate amount a guest should spend on a gift. The idea that each gift should cost as much as one plate at the reception is an impractical misconception.

Attire Etiquette:

While rules for modern wedding attire have evolved with the times, there are still traditional standards for fabrics, lengths and styles. Here are some guidelines:

The formality of your bridesmaids’ dresses should match that of your wedding dress. Although traditionally the dresses were the same length as the wedding gown, the rise in popularity of tea- and knee-length bridesmaids’ dresses has relaxed that rule. As long as the fabric and overall style matches the formality of your floor-length gown, shorter bridesmaids’ dresses are perfectly acceptable.

For evening weddings, guests should dress for a nice dinner or event – which includes suits (or black tie) for men and dresses or skirts in sophisticated colors and fabrics for women. Lengths can vary according to the style of the event and location. Female guests may now wear black, but never white.

The Cash Bar Issue:

Yes, weddings are expensive. Yes, couples should be on the lookout for budget saving tips. Yes, weddings are expensive – we know. But never – under any circumstances – should you ever consider hosting a cash bar at your reception. Think about it – you would never ask anyone to pay for a cocktail in your own home. People at your reception are still your guests, even if the event is not held in your house. That said, if a full bar is not within your budget, consider these alternatives:

1) Host a soft bar, in which guests can order champagne, beer and wine.

2) Find a reception site that allows you to bring in your own alcohol; you will save serious cash, and anything unopened can be returned for a full refund.

3) Cut down the size of your guest list – the only significant way to reduce costs in the first place.

For a complete guide to creating an elegant and memorable wedding celebration, visit http://www.elegala.com, your ultimate wedding planning resource.

Resources:

Cori Locklin is editor-in-chief for http://www.elegala.com and Elegala Magazine. Elegala is a new wedding planning resource offering the most comprehensive portfolio of superior wedding reception sites and wedding services, along with planning tips, photo galleries and checklists to keep brides in-the-know on today’s wedding trends and styles.

General Invitation Etiquette
If your invitations are whimsical and unusual, the recipients may expect something out of the ordinary. If the invitations are formal, recipients will expect a formal affair. Invitations should be mailed six to eight weeks before your wedding. The etiquette you use when sending your wedding invitations can also set the tone for your celebration, so it’s important to follow a few special pointers for proper invitation etiquette. This will help to keep the peace among your family and friends so that you can enjoy your day without worrying about anyone being left out or offended.

Enclosures Etiquette
The response card is traditionally used for gathering totals for the caterer and getting a general number of guests attending. Save the date cards are not used as a substitute for the wedding invitation and typically mentions that an invitation will follow. Other pieces often included in the ensemble are the reception card or folder, map or direction card, and accommodation information. The recipient is asked to mail back the response card roughly two weeks before the wedding or by the date indicated.

Envelopes Etiquette
When addressing the inner invitation envelope, address it to the individuals you are inviting, ie. John and Mary Smith. Seal n’ send wedding invitations many times don’t come with envelopes. You fold and address them. If you ordered a seal n’ send that doesn’t have envelopes, you can usually order envelopes separately from the invitation company. Invitation envelopes can come in several shapes, sizes and colors.

Destination Invitation Etiquette
Stylized fonts can be used to convey the atmosphere you want to have at your wedding – relaxed, formal, or laid back. If you’re designing your own invitations, you have a wide range of latitude for choosing colors, styles, fonts, and envelope inserts that will beach your beach theme. If you’d like to have beach wedding invitations or photo wedding invitations, have them designed or create them on your own. This is a great way to make your wedding stand out from the other weddings your guests have been invited to so they are sure to remember your special day.

Homemade Invitation Ettiquette
If you are very specific, and you do it in a kind way, people will be more likely to enjoy spending your wedding day with you. It’s understandable that you want to cut down on wedding costs, but don’t create any bad feelings by not being specific in your invitations. Whether you make your own invitations or have them printed by a professional printer, they should be high in quality and you should proofread them for printing so that embarrassing mistakes can be eliminated. If you have printed the invitations on your home computer, you can print the envelopes by using special calligraphic fonts.

Saving Money Without Losing Etiquette
Whether you use traditional invitation designs or come up with something whimsical of your own, you can save money by finding your wedding invitations online. In the past, wedding invitations had to be printed by a printer who charged a premium for engraving and other services. With the competition of wedding invitation businesses thriving, inexpensive wedding invitations are more easily found online. Invitations can be very costly for many couples unless they are aware where to look.

With these a snap rules, your wedding invitation experience should be easy and your invites should be mailed out without worry.

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I have to admit, I was a little shocked by this question! But then I thought about it a bit, and the feelign behind it is understandable. After all, you are working on a budget, this guest was important enough for you to make room for, and they confirmed twice – only to not show up in the end.

So what should you do? NOTHING. Yes, I am serious. The fact is that almost every wedding has a few no shows.  There could be any number of reasons why this guest was unable to attend – some which are valid, some which aren't. I can think of at least three weddings I was a "no show" for myself. For the first, I had a very sick child that morning and could not get a sitter. The second was a high school friend, who we confirmed with and found out a week before the wedding that my sister's grad was at the same time: so we left right after the ceremony and did not stay for dinner. The last was because of a personal issue, which I will not discuss here.

In the end, there is little you can do. It would be extremely rude to confront the no shows after the fact or to bring it up at all. After all, there may be a reason behind it that you are unaware of. The wedding is done, those who loved you were there to support you and it was wonderful. Don't start off your life as a new couple by arguing with those who could not or would not be there. My advice would be to let it go.

On a related note: if you are in the planning stages – the best way to limit the number of "no shows" is to keep your guest list to those who you are close to. Old friends, distant family, work colleagues and acquantances are the most likely to change their mind and not show up.