Cori LocklinThe flowers, the dress, the caterer, the guest list. Our focus during engagement is obvious – the ever so important details in planning the perfect wedding. Yet if we can manage to tear ourselves away from the 5th revision of the seating chart for just a moment, we realize that engagement is one of the most significant psychological transitions in our lives, packed with an assortment of tangled emotions and conflicting feelings. Inside the newly engaged woman often lie fear, anxiety, sadness and loss. It is these important internal details, so largely ignored by conventional wedding guides and planners, that an engaged woman must face and confront if she ever hopes to arrive at the altar fully prepared to enter into a healthy marriage.

Feelings of loss?

There is no other time in your life when you are truly giving up one identity for another. The transition is more complex than simply taking a new last name, a literal change of identity and a decision that brings with it its own set of questions and anxieties. You are also giving up your symbolic identity as a single woman, even a child. Women often worry, “I’m losing my youth,” or, “I won’t be able to relate to my single girlfriends.” A stage in your life, the only stage you have ever experienced, is ending, and many women experience feelings of loss as a chapter closes on their lives.

What if

As one chapter closes, another begins. A chapter of commitment and togetherness. This new stage brings forth feelings of joy and excitement, but fear and uncertainty are also involved. You are entering into a partnership with another human being, causing your future’s happiness to rely so heavily on the actions of another. Needless to say, this realization can expose feelings of fear. What if our marriage doesn’t last? What if he cheats on me? What if I cheat on him? What if the passion fades and we grow apart? What if something terrible happens to him? These questions can penetrate the veneer of even the most outwardly joyous bride.

Am I making a mistake?

Popular culture and society seems to conveniently ignore these questions and uncertainties. As engaged women, we hear a barrage of “congratulations!” and “what will your dress look like?” when we announce the big news. Even those closest to us neglect to recognize the importance of more internally probing questions and advice during our engagement. As a result, many women begin to question their readiness for marriage. Any feeling less than euphoric is deemed as indication of making a mistake, as we have been conditioned to believe that anxiety and confusion are a reflection of “not being ready” or choosing the wrong partner. Thus, instead of accepting and discussing these feelings, we distract ourselves with the wedding planning and ignore our internal emotions.

Harness and Accept your feelings!

In reality, these thoughts could not be more normal. In every other major life transition, simultaneous feelings of loss and gain are not only expected, but encouraged. When you graduated high school, when you graduated college, when you moved away from your hometown, when you left your first job for a better opportunity, those around you understood and sympathized with your conflicting emotions. But did those feelings of sadness and loss hinder you from taking that next step and succeeding with flying colors? Of course not. You allowed yourself to address and analyze your thoughts, and then you proceeded with the change. This is exactly what you need to do during your engagement as you prepare for your journey to the altar and marriage. Realize that feelings of sadness and anxiety are normal, allow yourself to feel these feelings, and discuss and analyze them with those around you. Don’t allow your friends and family to focus on the wedding planning process to the exclusion of your internal struggles.

The engagement stage involves more than simply planning a big party. It involves introspection and emotional analysis. It involves open communication with your fianc?family and friends. It involves acceptance of fear and sadness. Once a bride realizes the complexity of this transition, she can address her emotions and move forward in planning for both a fabulous party and a successful next chapter in her life.

For a complete guide to creating an elegant and memorable wedding celebration, visit www.elegala.com, your ultimate wedding planning resource.

Hello,

I was so happy to find your site.its so helpful. My question is how do I get my hubby to be more involved with the planning? whenever I bring up the subject he rolls his eyes and sighs. I feel like all I do is talk about the wedding because I never get answers from him. Our wedding is 9 months away(May 25, 2007) It took us almost months just to decide on a place.for the ceremony at this rate we will never get anything done. Please help I haven’t done much of anything yet . Can you believe we haven’t even finalize our colors???? I need some advice QUICK!!

Thanks

Sunny

This is actually a very common question. A lot of brides are working with grooms that just don’t seem to care about the details and aren’t nearly as excited as we would like them to be. The first thing to remember is that most guys handle weddings, and all the things that go with it, in a much different manner then women. Most guys are not interested in color schemes, flowers, and all the other things that go with it. In fact, most guys would prefer to hand you the reins and just show up the day of. You need to remember that this DOES NOT mean he doesn’t care about the wedding. Most guys are exctied about getting married, but would be just as excited if it happened in your backyard with beer and hot dogs. In reality, the guys probably have a much more realistic view of the wedding then we do, and they tend to be less wrapped up in all the trappings of wedding day.

So, how do you get your guy involved?

First, you need to have a conversation. BUT – this needs to be done in lovely. Most couples have the “I would like you to be more involved” conversation, which usually involves a whiny bridezilla and a frustrated groom who says “Fine, whatever” just to get her to stop whining. What you need to do is approach him when is is available (meaning, not in the middle of his favorite show) and tell him you love him an dyou want your wedding to be a reflection of both of you. As him if there are any particular areas that he would like to help out with, and particular part of the wedding that he would like done a certain way, etc. And, ask him if there are parts that don’t mean that much and he would be just as happy to let you decide (colors, flowers, etc).

Let him be honest. If he says he could care less what colors you use, as long as he doesn’t have to wear a pink shirt – don’t take that to mean he doesn’t care about the wedding or about you. He just doesn’t care about the color. As my hubby said when we were wedding planning: “I want to marry you. I could care less if your girls wear black, blue, orange or just show up in jeans.” Some things just aren’t as important to guys. Once you know what things matter to him, those are areas you can get him involved in. Take the rest and run with it. Look at it as your chance to have more of it your way, lol.

My conversation with my hubby pre wedding went something like this:

“Honey, I want you to have some say in this wedding, it is about both of us.”

“Yeah, I know, but I am so busy….”

“well, how about you tell me what you do/don’t want and what stuff you could care less about. Just keep in mind, if you say you don’t care about something, I’m gonna do it my way without asking.”

and that lead to a few lists:

- stuff dave wants to help with

- dave’s ideas

- stuff dave could care less about

Every guy is different. Some guys are more interested then others in the little details of the wedding day. Many guys also tend to stay uninvolved because no matter how much we say it is about both of us, in truth, most of the details are just about the bride and what the bride wants:) This guy loves you – and he wants you to be happy. He may believe that by staying out of your way, he is letting you have it your way.

As some of you know, I am renewing my wedding vows in just under 3 years. Yes, I am planning already, lol. I have been working on setting a budget, and as I do, some of the advice that I have given brides over the years is coming back at me. Rightnow, I am reminding myself to set priorities.

I would love to have the best hair dresser flown in from LA, an amazing dressmaker brought in from Paris, a personal new york chiropractor flown in to keep me stress free, a covergirl photographer and makeup artist, a steak and lobster dinner for 500 of my closest friends and family, etc…… Realistically, my budget does not allow for any of those things. Some of them may seem strange- but celebrities do these things all the time. I’m not a celebrity, lol.

So, the first thing I tell brides to do is make a priorities list. When you think about your wedding, lots of ideas, and wishes will come to mind. You need to make a list of the things that are most important to you, the things you do not want to comprimise, to help give you an idea on how to concentrate your budget.

MY PRIORITIES LIST:

- Wedding Dress: I did not get a dress for my first wedding, I had to borrow one. This time, having my own gown is a priority. Of course, as a wedding gown designer, that is just a given anyway, lol.

- The guest list: I want to be able to include my immediate family, and those friends who have supported and helped us over the years.

- Pastor – we had a civil ceremony last time, so this time I want to have a pastor and a full Christian ceremony.

- Photography – my cousin did my wedding photos and while they are okay, I have always wanted a professional photo experience. I want to use this oppurtunity to have that photo session, along with my children and so we want to put enoughh of our budget into that so that we don’t compromise.

Now that I have that done, it will be easier to know were I can and can’t compromise. I recommend two lists: Must Haves and Would Like To Haves. Start with a list of things you feel you must have, then make a list of things you would like to have. This will help you to know what things have priority in your budget planning.